Here are some funny coffee jokes, puns, and lists. Please send us your favorites and we might just post them here!

78 Ways to know if you drink too much coffee...

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
3. The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
4. You ski uphill.
5. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
7. You speed walk in your sleep.
8. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
10. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
11. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
12. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
13. You sleep with your eyes open.
14. When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.
15. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
16. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
17. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
18. You lick your coffeepot clean.
19. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
20. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
21. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
22. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
23. Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it.
24. You chew on other people's fingernails.
25. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
26. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
27. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
28. The only gift you get for Valentines Day you get chocolate covered beans.
29. You can jump-start your car without cables.
30. All your kids are named "Joe".
31. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
32. You don't sweat, you percolate.
33. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
34. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
35. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
36. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
37. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
38. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
39. Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
40. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
41. People get dizzy just watching you.
42. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
43. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
44. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
45. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
46. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
47. Instant coffee takes too long.
48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
52. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
53. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
54. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
55. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
56. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
57. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
58. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
62. You can jump to the moon.
63. You short out motion detectors.
64. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
65. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
66. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
67. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
68. You don't tan, you roast.
69. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
70. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
71. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
72. You can't even remember your second cup.
73. You help your dog chase its tail.
74. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
75. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
76. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
77. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
78. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Ground Coffee

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

Have a Cow

What do you call a cow who's just given birth? De-calf-inated!

The Wife's Coffee

"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor.

"You gotta be kidding, doc. I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee."

The Shakes

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous.

I said "Why don't you quit drinking coffee?"

He said "Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

Ground Coffee

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?" "Coffee is three dollars the waitress says". "How much is a refill?" the man asks. "Free, "says the waitress. "Then I'll take a refill!"

Don't Light the Coffee

Customer: "Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?"

Waiter: "What does it taste like?"

Customer: "It tastes like gasoline!"

Waiter: "Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine."

Grounds for Divorce

I have heard that if your wife/husband makes bad coffee, that is grounds for divorce.

Freshly Ground

Spouse #1: "Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt."

Spouse #2: "That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning."

Why Coffee Is Better Than Men

• A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
• You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
• You can always warm coffee up.
• Coffee comes with endless refills.
• You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
• Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
• You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
• Coffee smells and tastes good.
• You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
• They have coffee at police stations.
• You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
• No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
• A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
• Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
• Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.